Chapter 12

Building Rapport

Inside Secrets from a Master Interviewer

What I am about to reveal to you is perhaps the most powerful personal tool set you can bring to your interviewing process. These tightly held secrets are an absolute gold mine when it comes to gaining the advantage with your interviewer.

These techniques are easy to learn and you can use them today. They are very easy to practice so you can master them quickly.

By using these techniques, you can instantly build rapport with anyone, even your interviewer. You will be able to get all your points across because your interviewer will feel connected and comfortable with you and will listen to you like a concerned friend.

You may not realize most of these techniques are something you have done successfully and unsuccessfully for years but just weren't aware of it. Soon you will be able to apply them consciously and take advantage of their incredible power.

How many times have you been engaged in an interesting conversation with someone where both of you were really excited, full of energy and so intent on your own conversation you sort of disconnected from the rest of the World? Have you ever had this happen to you?

Of course, we all have. Did you notice their body language? I mean did you notice the other person was sitting or standing with the same exact posture as you were and every time you made a gesture or movement, they did the same thing? Every time you tilted your head or rubbed your arm or crossed your legs, they did exactly the same thing?

You didn't notice this because it was at the subconscious level. You were fully engaged in the conversation, listening intently and giving back. You weren't even aware of the movements you were making.

This technique of matching a person's physical movements, when used consciously, is called mirroring. It is an excellent tool for building rapport. By matching the other person's movements at the same time they make a move, you are creating a similarity that breeds comfort, security and a feeling of being understood.

Would this be an advantage in an interview situation?

There needs to be some caution here. If you are using the techniques I am going to teach you to manipulate others, it will backfire on you and you will pay a dear, dear price. The idea is to use these techniques consciously to obtain rapport and help your interviewer listen to you and for you to be able to listen to them.

These techniques are a catalyst to genuine friendships and real understanding. They will help you to climb into the other person's world for a moment and better relate to them.

Words Mean Things

One way to understand the individual you are talking to is listen to them. Open your ears and really listen to what they are saying. Don't interrupt them or be mentally preparing what you are going to say next while they are talking.

By listening to your future boss or interviewer, you will be able to pick up on some interesting words that will help you to better communicate to your interviewer as you ask and answer questions.

What I am about to coach you on is how to use a persons own words to understand how they generally think. By doing this you will be able to convey your own message in the most powerful and meaningful way possible to your interviewer.

Look at the list of words below. Each column is labeled with the general tendencies of people who use these words in their general conversations.

In order to communicate more effectively, you can listen for these keys and use similar words when responding to or talking to your interviewer.

VISUAL	AUDITORY	KINESTHETIC
See Looks Clear Focus Perspective Watch Show Foresee Appear Picture View Sight Recognize Notice Glance	Hear Sounds Loud Listen Mention Say Earful Talk Discuss Remark Inquire Vocal Contact Attentive Clam up	Feel Grip Grasp Warm Firm Emotional Solid Touch Sense Move Turn Thrill Floating Irritate Sooth

These characteristics are not cast in concrete. These words indicate general tendencies and are very effective when used properly. They do not mean that a person who communicates using these words only understands or operates in these modes. It just means that you will be able to convey your message most effectively if you stick to these description words when you are making a point.

"Can you see the picture clearly?"

"Are you hearing what I am saying?"

"Can you firmly grasp the idea?"

The Rapport Building Trio

We have already mentioned mirroring, briefly. This technique has been used effectively for centuries by people from every walk of life. It is a simple way to convey the important message, "I like you" and "I can be trusted".

We do this mirroring process all the time when we are comfortable with another person. When we do it consciously, either simultaneously or in a delayed response to their movement, it helps us improve our ability to communicate dramatically. It helps the other person assume you are like them and you care.

This mirroring technique is simply copying or duplicating the interviewer's physical behaviors. In other words, if the interviewer folds their arms, you fold your arms. If the interviewer taps their finger, you tap your finger. If the interviewer leans forward and scratches their forehead, you lean forward and scratch your forehead.

Sounds funny, doesn't it? Now, I don't mean that you make big sweeping gestures just because they do. I want you to be subtle and calm in this mirroring process. Start by picking just one behavior to copy. Being subtle, calm and patient. It is not important to copy every single gesture, movement or head nod. Just keep working up to that point, patiently.

You can also mirror a person with a delayed response. What I mean is letting them dictate your movements like normal mirroring but waiting a few moments before making your own matching movements. Maybe five to fifteen seconds.

I really like this because it makes the other person feel like they are in control but still connected and comfortable with you.

Once you have mastered one behavior to physically mirror then you can add another one, and another and so on.

Some physical attributes you will want to mirror:

Body posture.
Position of arms and hands.
Position of legs and feet.
Body motions.
Hand gestures.
Shift of weight.
Eye movements.
Facial expressions.
Breathing.
Eye blinks.

Practice this frequently. The more you practice the easier it gets and the more you will do it naturally, without conscious thought.

A technique similar to mirroring is called matching. This is used in much the same manner as mirroring except your mirrored movements are not used until it is time for you to respond.

To do this, you must first notice the movements and gestures your interviewer is making while they are asking you questions or answering your questions. Use these same physical characteristics when it comes time for you to speak.

Another effective technique is crossover matching. Crossover matching is where you match the other person's rhythms or movements in similar but not exact ways. If the person crosses their legs you might cross your arms. If they are chewing gum rapidly or blinking their eyes, you might match this rhythm by quietly tapping your finger in unison with their movements. If they are talking in a particular pattern you can match that pattern with little head nods, hand gestures or your own breathing.

The important thing is to practice, practice, practice. There is no restriction on the type of crossover matching you choose to do. You are free to pick and choose your own physical behaviors to match. Finger/eyebrow, foot/breathing, chin rub/head scratch, you are only limited by your imagination.

The last part of this trio of techniques is called pacing. Pacing can be used face to face like these other techniques. It is very powerful because it can also be used over the phone. Especially in a phone interview or screening.

Pacing works by simply matching a person's pace, their speed and pattern of speech, the tone, pitch and timbre of their voice and using key phrases that your interviewer may say.

This technique allows you to better relate to the interviewer and makes the mirroring portion exponentially more powerful. This is one item that you should consciously look for when you do a pre-interview.

It is comfortable to be by or with someone that is moving at the same pace as you are. If you are moving slower or faster than another person, you will soon find yourself alone. This is true in building rapport, as well.

By carefully going at the pace of another person you will be better able to relate to them and they will more easily relate to you.

Have you ever been behind a very slow driver somewhere? Remember what they looked like when you passed them? It seems their bodies were slouched over a bit, as if they could barely see over the front of the car. Their head was barely moving. They had their hands tightly gripped to the steering wheel and were slowly weaving back and forth between the lines.

Think about how you felt when you came upon them suddenly and had to slow down quickly. Remember how you were in hurry? How did you feel?

Relax for a minute and put yourself in their shoes. Remember how they looked as you passed them. Think about what they might have been feeling and thinking. Relax. Do you feel the tension release from the back of your neck? Do you think you could relate to that person now? Better yet, do you think they could relate to you?

This is the essence of pacing. It helps you to relate to people of all types and build in trust to your communications. I think of it as mirroring the speed of the individual physically, emotionally and mentally.

If you have the slightest doubt whether these techniques really work... test it. Pick three people with whom you want better communication and mirror them for just 10 minutes. Notice the difference it makes.

On Target Test

During an interview you can find out how connected you are after a short time by leading your interviewer. By simply changing your own physical position by folding your hands, changing your posture or stroking your chin a bit, you can see if your interviewer follows your lead in some way.

If not, keep using the techniques. If they follow you then you have scored high on the comfort and trust level. You have built rapport in a very short time.

I just can't encourage you enough to practice, practice, practice. It is easy to master and important to know what kind of response to expect before you get to an interview situation.

Chapter 12 Review

Practice building rapport wherever you are.

Use rapport building techniques with pure motives.

Key words can lead you to the best way to convey your message.

Mirroring, matching and pacing will enhance your ability to communicate effectively.

Practice, Practice, Practice.

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